- The Rebound
- Posts
- How Children See Us
Several years ago, my then-six-year-old daughter Christina ran up to me, bursting with pride. "Daddy, look what I drew!" she shouted, shoving an electronic drawing pad in my face. I looked at the screen, and there I was—captured in her simple box-man style. Round head. Big glasses. A prominent goatee. And something that stopped me cold: wide-open arms, ready for a hug. A huge, warm smile stretched across the face.
In that moment, I realized something profound. This wasn't just a drawing. This was how she saw me. This was who I was to her. Comfort. Love. Protection. Warmth. A man who stands tall and proud, always ready with open arms.
That moment changed how I understood fatherhood. And if you have children—sons or daughters, close relationships or strained ones—the question still matters: How do your children see you?
Rise Above The Rim
Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.
The question hits harder than you might expect.
For divorced men over 40, this question carries extra weight. You're navigating split custody, weekend visits, drop-offs and pick-ups. You're rebuilding your life while trying to remain present in theirs. You might be wondering if the chaos of divorce has changed how your children perceive you. You might fear that the anger, frustration, or sadness you've felt has seeped into their view of who you are.
Here's what the research tells us: children are emotional detectives. A study published by the National Institutes of Health found that children's neural responses to emotional faces are directly shaped by their parents' emotional patterns and behaviors. Your emotional presence—how you show up, what you model, the consistency you provide—literally shapes the wiring in their developing brains.
But there's more. Research from Kaplan and Main's coding system for analyzing children's family drawings reveals that these simple sketches are windows into how children perceive their relationships with their parents. When children draw parents with prominent features—a goatee that represents "Daddy," open arms that signal safety—they're telling us what matters most to them about that relationship.
What stood out in that drawing of "Daddy Doppelganger" wasn't perfection. It wasn't a flawless physique or expensive clothes or material success. It was the smile. The open arms. The tall, proud posture. The things that communicated: "I love you. I'm here for you. You'll always have my protection."
According to a Sutton Trust study of 14,000 children, approximately 40 percent lack strong emotional bonds with their parents—bonds that form through simple, consistent actions like holding a child lovingly and responding to their needs. These secure attachments, formed through parental attentiveness, become the foundation for children's social, emotional, and cognitive development for the rest of their lives.
If you're a divorced dad worried that the upheaval has damaged your relationship with your children, consider this: what matters most isn't your marital status. What matters is how you show up now. Are you emotionally present? Are you attuned to their needs? Do you provide comfort, warmth, and stability even when your own life feels uncertain?
Children don't need you to be perfect. They need you to be present.
The truth is, divorce can actually sharpen your focus on what matters. When you have your children every other weekend, those hours become precious. When you pick them up from school, you're more intentional about that time. The tragedy of divorce can become the catalyst for deeper connection—if you're willing to do the work.
Research from the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience shows that parental warmth and support have measurable effects on children's brain activity during emotional processing. When you provide consistent love and attentiveness, you strengthen secure attachments that give your children a sense of safety and trust. These bonds don't just make them feel good in the moment—they encourage exploration, build resilience, and shape how they'll form relationships later in life.
Your children are watching you navigate this new chapter. They're watching how you handle disappointment, how you speak about their mother, how you manage stress, how you show up when you're tired or frustrated. They're encoding these patterns into their understanding of what it means to be a man.
And they're drawing pictures of what they see.
So ask yourself: if your child drew you today, what would that picture show? Would it show a man weighed down by bitterness and regret? Or would it show a man standing tall, with a warm smile and open arms?
The choice is yours. The opportunity is now. Your children are forming their internal working models of relationships based on what you demonstrate, not what you say. Psychology research confirms that these early models, shaped by consistent caregiver behavior, influence how children will approach relationships throughout their entire lives.
You have the power to give them a model worth emulating.
Your Power Moves
Here are concrete steps you can take to ensure your children see the best version of you:
Practice emotional presence during your time together. Put away your phone. Make eye contact. Listen without planning your response. Research from the University of Pittsburgh shows that when parents are "tuned in" to their children's social signals, especially their cries of distress, children learn that their needs will be met and form secure attachments. Show up fully in the small moments—bedtime routines, car rides, meals. These everyday interactions are where connection happens. Aligns with: Self-Awareness
Speak positively—or neutrally—about their mother. Your children's emotional health depends on their ability to love both parents without feeling guilty or torn. Research on children's emotional development confirms that when parents speak negatively about each other, children internalize that conflict, leading to increased anxiety and behavioral problems. You're teaching them how to handle difficult relationships with grace. Build trust by protecting them from adult conflicts. Aligns with: Trust
Monitor and manage your emotional expressions around your children. Be mindful of how you express feelings, rather than suppressing them entirely. Studies on parental emotionality show that children adapt to environmental demands—they become attuned to your emotional patterns. Model healthy emotional regulation. When you're frustrated, name it calmly. When you're sad, acknowledge it without overwhelming them. Show them that emotions are normal and manageable. Aligns with: Mindset Shift
Create consistent rituals that signal safety. Whether it's Friday night pizza, Sunday morning pancakes, or bedtime stories, establish predictable patterns during your time together. These rituals communicate stability and reliability, which research shows are crucial for children's sense of security after divorce. Your children need to know that even though their family structure has changed, certain things remain constant. Consistency builds the foundation for secure attachment. Aligns with: Organization
Build a network of positive male role models for your children. Your kids benefit from seeing healthy masculinity modeled by multiple men—coaches, teachers, uncles, family friends. Studies on child development show that children thrive when they have access to multiple supportive adults who reinforce positive values. This takes pressure off you to be perfect and shows your children what community looks like. Introduce them to men who embody qualities you admire. Aligns with: Leveraging Connections
The research from the journal Frontiers in Psychology is clear: family drawings serve as projective techniques that access a child's inner world and reveal how they perceive their relationships. Your children's perception of you isn't based on your bank account, your job title, or your relationship status. It's based on the emotional quality of your presence in their lives.
You don't get to control how the divorce happened. You don't get to control your ex-wife's behavior. But you absolutely control who you choose to be in your children's lives moving forward.
Your children are holding up a mirror. What do you see reflected back at you?
More importantly: what do they see?
That's the legacy that matters.