You lost more than your marriage in the divorce.

You lost the couples' dinners. The barbecues with other families. The guys' nights that somehow always included your ex's approval. When she left, half your social circle went with her—and the other half didn't know what to say to you anymore.

So you did what most men do: you retreated. You told yourself you'd figure it out alone. After all, that's what we're taught, right? Real men handle their business. They don't burden others with their problems. They don't need help.

Here's what I learned the hard way, brother: that mindset will keep you stuck below the rim forever.

When I was at my lowest point after divorce, I discovered something that changed everything. The strongest thing I ever did wasn't grinding through my struggles alone. The strongest thing I ever did was building a network of men who understood my journey and were committed to rising alongside me.

The isolation you're experiencing right now feels protective. After getting burned by someone you trusted with everything, the idea of opening up and building new connections feels risky. Maybe even foolish.

But here's the truth that every man who rises above his circumstances eventually discovers: you cannot do this alone. You weren't designed to. Even Michael Jordan—arguably the greatest solo performer in basketball history—needed Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, and a whole team around him to win championships.

Research from a study published in Qualitative Health Research examined 47 men navigating relationship breakups and found three distinct approaches to recovery. Men who combined solitary work with reaching out to make new connections showed significantly better outcomes than those who tried to handle everything alone. The men who thrived were the ones who tapped into peer-based groups, built new social networks, and weren't afraid to ask for help.

The guys who recovered fastest and strongest? They understood that elevation happens in community.

The Cost of Going It Alone

After divorce, men face a particular challenge that women typically don't: we lose our primary emotional support system. According to research on gender differences in divorce consequences, men often entered marriage with fewer close friendships than women, making the wife the central—sometimes only—source of emotional support. When that relationship ends, many men find themselves completely isolated.

The statistics tell a sobering story. Studies show that divorced men are eight times more likely to die by suicide compared to divorced women. Why? Because we've been conditioned to suffer in silence, to view asking for help as weakness, and to believe we should handle everything on our own.

Research published in Applied Research in Quality of Life found that divorced men experience significantly higher rates of depression compared to their married counterparts—and that this chronic strain has more lasting effects than the acute stress of the divorce itself. The study emphasized that ongoing isolation and lack of social connections was a key factor in poor mental health outcomes.

But here's what the research also shows: men who build robust social networks recover from depression symptoms 40% faster than socially isolated men. Men with strong support systems report better outcomes across every measure—mental health, financial recovery, relationship satisfaction, and career advancement.

You have a choice right now. You can stay isolated and face this alone, or you can do what every successful man eventually does: build a team.

The Alley-Oop Mindset

In basketball, an alley-oop is one of the most spectacular plays in the game. One player throws the ball high near the basket, and another player jumps, catches it mid-air, and scores—often with a thunderous dunk. It requires perfect timing, complete trust between players, and each person playing their role flawlessly.

This is exactly how leveraging connections works in your journey after divorce.

Here's what makes an alley-oop effective:

Timing matters. Not every connection is ready to help you right now, and you're not always in position to help others. Strategic networking involves being patient and recognizing when the timing is right for mutual support.

Trust is essential. The passer must trust the jumper to be in the right position; the jumper must trust the pass to be accurate. Building this level of trust takes time and consistent action. You can't fake it.

Everyone has a role. Sometimes you're setting others up for success. Sometimes you're being elevated by others' support. The strongest networks are those where everyone is willing to play both roles—without keeping score.

The result is spectacular. When connections work together strategically, the results are often more impressive than what any individual could achieve alone. The combined effort creates momentum that benefits everyone involved.

It takes practice. Great alley-oops aren't accidents. They're the result of players who have worked together, understand each other's strengths, and have developed chemistry over time.

When Coach Dean Smith told a young Michael Jordan, "If you can't pass, you can't play," he wasn't questioning Jordan's talent. He was teaching him that even the greatest individual performers need to trust and elevate their teammates to win championships.

The same principle applies to your life after divorce. You might be talented, capable, and hardworking—but you'll go further faster when you have the right people around you.

Building Your Support Team

Based on my own experience rebuilding my network from scratch—and from watching other men navigate this same challenge—here are the five types of connections every man needs:

1. The Mentor: Someone who's already navigated the challenges you're facing and can provide wisdom, perspective, and guidance. This person has risen above similar obstacles and can show you the path. They've made the mistakes you're about to make and can help you avoid them. Find someone whose life you respect—not just their success, but how they got there and who they became in the process.

2. The Peer: Someone facing similar challenges who's committed to growth. This person provides mutual support, accountability, and the reminder that you're not alone. They understand exactly what you're going through because they're in the trenches with you. You celebrate each other's wins and hold each other accountable when one of you is slipping.

3. The Younger Brother: Someone who can benefit from your experience and wisdom. Teaching others reinforces your own growth and reminds you how far you've come. When you're helping another man navigate challenges you've already overcome, you realize you're not the broken mess you sometimes feel like. You have value. You have wisdom. You have something to offer.

4. The Professional: Someone who can provide expertise in areas where you need support—financial planning, legal advice, fitness training, therapy. This person helps you address practical challenges with professional competence. Don't try to figure out everything yourself when there are people who've spent their careers mastering the exact problems you're facing.

5. The Anchor: Someone who knew you before your struggles and believes in who you're becoming. This person provides continuity and reminds you of your core identity when circumstances try to redefine you. They remember who you were when life was good, and they can see who you're becoming through the struggle.

Your support team doesn't have to be large. Five committed men who play these roles in your life will take you further than fifty acquaintances who don't really know you.

And remember: you should be playing multiple roles for other people as well. Connection is reciprocal. You give, you receive. You help, you're helped. That's how strong networks work.

From Isolation to Brotherhood

When I was at my lowest point after divorce, I met men from all walks of life. Veterans dealing with PTSD. Professionals who'd lost everything in the recession. Fathers fighting for time with their children. Men battling addiction and working toward recovery.

These weren't the connections I would have chosen from a networking perspective. But they became some of the most meaningful relationships of my life because they were forged in authenticity and mutual support.

We weren't trying to impress each other or compete with each other. We were just trying to survive and rise. And that shared commitment created bonds that superficial networking events never could.

Here's what I learned about building strategic connections as a divorced man over 40:

Quality crushes quantity every time. Five men who will answer your call at 2 AM are worth more than fifty who won't return your voicemail. Stop collecting contacts. Start building relationships.

Give before you receive. The fastest way to build a powerful network is to become genuinely interested in helping others succeed. Look for ways to add value to people's lives without expecting immediate reciprocation. What goes around comes around—but only if you're authentic about it.

Seek diversity of experience. Connect with men who are ahead of you in areas where you want to grow, peers facing similar challenges, and younger men who can benefit from your experience. Each type of connection serves a different purpose in your elevation.

Be authentic about your struggles. The connections that matter most are built on truth, not pretense. Men want to help other men who are real about their challenges and committed to overcoming them. We all respect the guy who admits he's struggling but refuses to quit.

Create mutual accountability. The strongest connections include an element of accountability—men who will challenge you to be your best self and call you out when you're not living up to your potential. These are the guys who love you enough to tell you the truth even when it's uncomfortable.

Where to Find Your People

One of the biggest questions men ask me is: "Where do I even start? I lost most of my friends in the divorce. How do I build new connections?"

Here's the honest answer: you start where you are, with what you have, and you commit to showing up consistently.

Research on men's help-seeking after relationship breakups found that men who succeeded in rebuilding their lives utilized three main strategies: tapping established connections (old friends, family), reaching out to make new connections (men's groups, social activities), and engaging professional support when needed. The men who did all three showed the best outcomes.

Here are specific places to start:

Divorce support groups for men. Organizations like Mensgroup, The Divorced Dadvocate, Men's Therapy Online, and DivorceCare offer both online and in-person groups where you can connect with men navigating similar challenges. These groups provide peer support, practical advice, and the reminder that you're not alone. A study on divorced dads and support groups found that men who participated in peer support groups not only received help but also found that helping other men with similar problems gave them fresh perspective on their own challenges.

Faith-based communities. If spirituality is part of your life, look for men's groups at local churches or faith organizations. Men's Divorce Recovery is one example of a ministry specifically designed to support divorced men through a faith-based lens.

Fitness and activity groups. Join a CrossFit box, a running club, a martial arts gym, or any physical activity where men gather regularly. Physical activity has been shown to be as effective as medication for mild to moderate depression, and you'll build connections with men while improving your health.

Professional organizations and networking groups. If you're rebuilding your career or finances, connect with professional associations in your industry. These connections can provide career support, business opportunities, and friendships with men who understand the pressures you're facing.

Volunteer organizations. Find a cause you care about and volunteer regularly. You'll meet people who share your values, and the act of serving others will give you perspective on your own challenges.

Online communities. Platforms like Reddit have active communities for divorced men where you can ask questions, share experiences, and connect with men worldwide. While online connections shouldn't replace in-person relationships, they can provide valuable support and guidance.

The key is consistency. Don't just show up once and disappear. Commit to showing up regularly. That's how friendships form. That's how trust builds. That's how you go from being the new guy to being part of the brotherhood.

The Power of Paying It Forward

Here's something that might surprise you: one of the fastest ways to heal after divorce is to help other men who are going through what you've already navigated.

The research on divorced dads and support groups revealed an interesting pattern. The men who were most forthcoming about their struggles and eager to receive help often made slower progress. But the men who focused on helping others with similar problems? They mysteriously resolved their own issues faster—even though they were receiving less direct support.

Why? Because when you step out of your own pain to help another man, you gain fresh perspective on your own situation. You can easily see and understand the mistakes other men are making—mistakes that mirror your own. By helping them, you help yourself.

There's wisdom in the old Japanese proverb: "A single arrow is easily broken, but not ten in a bundle." When you bind yourself to other men in mutual support, you all become stronger.

This is what leverage looks like in practice. You're not just collecting connections for what they can do for you. You're building a network of men who support each other, challenge each other, and elevate each other.

When one man rises, we all rise. When one man falls, we all reach down to lift him back up.

The Truth About Rising Together

You're reading this because you're tired of trying to handle everything alone. You're exhausted from pretending you have it all together when you're barely holding on. You're ready to admit that maybe—just maybe—you need help.

That takes wisdom. Real strength.

The rim you're trying to clear—those challenges that feel insurmountable when you're facing them alone—they become targets when you have the right team around you. You survive your challenges AND you develop the capability to help others overcome theirs. You rise above your own obstacles AND you become the kind of man who can help other men rise above theirs.

I'm living proof. When I was at my absolute lowest point after divorce, I could have chosen isolation. I could have let shame and pride keep me from reaching out. Instead, I built connections with men around me who were fighting their own battles. Those connections—forged in the fire of shared struggle—became the foundation for everything I've built since.

The brotherhood I found in that season reminded me that elevation happens in community. No one rises alone. Not me. Not you. Not any man who goes on to do something meaningful with his life after divorce.

You've gained self-awareness. You've built trust. You've shifted your mindset. You've organized your life. Now it's time to stop trying to do this alone.

Build your team. Find your people. Create your brotherhood.

Because the greatest comeback stories? They're alley-oops—perfectly timed assists between men who refuse to let each other stay down.

Your move, brother. Who are you going to reach out to today?