You've been part of teams before. Maybe you're leading one now—your kids, a project at work, maybe just trying to get a few guys together for a weekend basketball game. Every group has at least one person calling the shots. And here's what I've learned over years in the military, working in nonprofits, navigating the public school system, and rebuilding after divorce: the difference between teams that thrive and teams that barely survive comes down to one thing—the quality of their leadership.

After divorce, you might find yourself leading in ways you never expected. Single parenting demands it. Career rebuilding requires it. Even getting your life back on track means leading yourself through the chaos. So understanding what makes leadership actually work matters more than ever.

Why Bad Leadership Keeps Happening

Do a quick search online about leadership. You'll find thousands of articles. Leadership has been studied, dissected, taught in seminars and MBA programs for centuries. So why do we still have so many terrible leaders?

Let me show you what I saw during my time in the Army. Some soldiers would get promoted to Sergeant—the jump from worker to leader. The ineffective ones? They changed immediately. They became haughty. They looked down on the friends they'd just been laughing with last week. They'd bark orders and point at the stripes on their uniform like those three chevrons suddenly made them smarter, tougher, more valuable.

The soldiers under their command would stare blankly, do the bare minimum, or straight-up ignore them.

I've seen the same thing in corporate offices, nonprofits, schools. Leaders who think the degree on their wall gives them authority. Leaders who steal credit for their team's ideas and present them as their own. Leaders who blame everyone else when things go wrong.

If you've ever worked under someone like that, you know exactly how it feels.

What Real Leadership Looks Like

Think about the leaders who actually changed the world. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. George Washington. Abraham Lincoln. Sitting Bull. Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Mahatma Gandhi.

What made them effective? Their speaking skills? Their charisma? Their intelligence? Their ability to handle pressure? Their capacity to connect with people?

All of those matter. Every great leader possesses most, if not all, of those qualities. But here's what really sets them apart, what makes them leaders who actually transform lives and organizations:

They understood the cardinal rule of leadership.

The Cardinal Rule

True leaders are servants for the people they lead.

Sounds simple, right? You've probably heard it before. But here's why ineffective leaders keep multiplying: they don't actually live it. They say the words, but their actions tell a different story.

To be a servant, you must be humble. You must set your ego aside. You have to understand—really understand—that the success of your team has nothing to do with you proving how smart or capable you are. Your leadership ability has zero connection to your title. In fact, nine out of ten people don't care about your title at all.

Here's what people actually care about:

They want to know you care about them. They want to approach you—privately or in a group—without fear of being belittled or dismissed. They want to feel valued within the organization. They want to see you pick up the mop and clean the spill by the counter before someone gets hurt. They want to count on you. They want you to actually listen when they speak, even if you ultimately decide to go a different direction.

Research backs this up. A comprehensive systematic review published in the Leadership & Organization Development Journal analyzed over 285 articles on servant leadership spanning 20 years. The findings consistently showed that servant leadership increases job satisfaction, organizational commitment, and team effectiveness. Another study in the Journal of Leadership Studies found that servant leadership behaviors like providing accountability, supporting team members, and fostering collaboration were significant predictors of team success.

The Difference Between Boss and Leader

In basic leadership courses, they make a distinction between authoritative figures and de facto leaders—leaders "in fact" who have authority regardless of title or official power.

Anyone can climb an organization's ladder. Anyone can become "the boss." But only some people become leaders. And you don't need business cards to spot the difference.

After my divorce, when I was rebuilding from nothing, I had to lead myself before I could lead anyone else. No title. No authority. Just a man trying to get back on his feet. That's when I learned this lesson at the deepest level: servant leadership starts with how you serve yourself—with discipline, with grace, with the same care you'd show someone you're responsible for.

What Servant Leadership Actually Means

Research published in SAGE Open found that servant leaders must still provide accountability and make difficult calls. They do it with the team's best interests at heart, after listening and considering input. Servant leadership requires strength, discernment, and the courage to make tough decisions.

Here's what servant leadership looks like in practice:

You put the mission above your ego. When your child's basketball team loses, you don't blame the ref or the other parents. You look at what you could have done better as a coach. When your work project fails, you don't throw your team under the bus. You take responsibility and figure out how to improve.

You develop people, not just use them. You notice when someone on your team has a skill they haven't developed yet. You create opportunities for them to grow. You celebrate their wins like they're your own—because when they succeed, everyone wins.

You lead from the front and serve from the back. You're first to arrive and last to leave. You do the grunt work nobody else wants to do. You clear obstacles so your team can do their best work.

You make decisions for the long-term good. You don't chase quick wins that damage the team's foundation. You build something sustainable. You create systems that work even when you're not there.

The Humility Factor

Here's what I learned from Drill Sergeant Herndon during basic training at Fort Dix: before you can lead others, you must learn humility. He broke down every recruit's pride so we could function as a unit. He taught us that real strength comes from being reliable when others are counting on you.

That lesson became crucial during my divorce recovery. Before you can lead others, you must learn to follow. Before you can be part of a team, you need humility. Before you can leverage connections effectively, you must be willing to be vulnerable, admit what you don't know, and value others' contributions.

The men who rise fastest are the ones who understand that even the greatest basketball players need teammates to get them the ball in position for their best shots.

Why This Matters for Divorced Men

Brother, if you're reading this after divorce, you're leading whether you realize it or not. You're leading your children through a major life transition. You're leading yourself through rebuilding. You might be leading a team at work while everything else feels like it's falling apart.

The temptation is to grab control, prove you're still capable, show everyone you've got this handled. But that's ego talking. That's the voice of a man who's scared people will see how uncertain he feels.

Servant leadership gives you a different path. When you focus on serving—serving your children's emotional needs, serving your team's goals, serving your own recovery with discipline and care—you stop trying to prove something and start building something real.

Studies show that servant leaders create environments where people feel psychologically safe, valued, and motivated. A meta-analysis published in BMC Psychology found that servant leadership significantly improved both organizational performance and individual well-being. When you lead this way at home, your children feel more secure. When you lead this way at work, your team produces better results.

The Real Question

If you want to be a leader—serve. If you want to be a good servant, you must genuinely care about the people you serve. You must see them as valuable, important pieces of the puzzle that is your organization, your family, your life.

When you get this right, you'll be surprised how easily people follow. They might even ask: "How high?" when you say jump.

But more importantly, you'll have built something real. Something that lasts. Something that serves people even after you're gone.

That's leadership that rises above the rim.