You probably didn't see it coming.

When your marriage started falling apart, you looked for reasons. Maybe she changed. Maybe you grew apart. Maybe the stress got to be too much. You analyzed the fights, the money problems, the nights spent in separate rooms.

But did you ever look back further? Did you ever consider that the blueprint for how you show up in relationships—or don't show up—might have been drawn decades ago by the man who raised you? Or by the one who didn't?

Here's what the research is telling us: the relationship you had with your father is one of the most powerful predictors of whether you'll go through a divorce yourself. And brother, that's a hard truth to swallow when you're already dealing with the wreckage of a failed marriage.

The science is clear. Sons who experienced lower levels of warmth and involvement from their fathers are more likely to believe that men don't need to invest much in romantic partners. They assume women don't really expect commitment from men anyway. And here's the kicker: these beliefs translate directly into decreased willingness to invest in their own relationships.

I'm not talking about whether your dad was physically present or absent, though that matters too. The emotional quality of his involvement shaped how you see yourself as a partner. A study by researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University and Lund University analyzed Swedish population registries and found that genetic factors are the primary explanation for why divorce runs in families. But genes only tell part of the story.

According to research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, children whose parents divorced are significantly more likely to divorce themselves. Each parental breakup experienced in childhood increases the odds of dissolving a relationship by 16 percent. Paul Amato and Sarah Patterson, sociologists who have studied this phenomenon for decades, call it the "intergenerational transmission of divorce."

But here's where it gets interesting for you and me. Research from the Fragile Families and Child Well-being Study examined unmarried and nonresident fathers and found that men's beliefs about fathering—ideas about how to foster the father-child relationship—are strongly influenced by the relationships they had with their own fathers. In other words, how your dad showed up for you directly impacts how you show up for the people you love.

A Dutch study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that in the long term, few children of divorce maintain good relations with their fathers once they become adults. The level of contact and quality of relationship between adult children and divorced fathers was generally poorer than between adult children and fathers who remained married. But the study revealed something even more significant: fathers who were more involved during childhood maintained better relationships with their adult children, even after divorce. Divorced fathers who were most involved did as well as married fathers who were least involved.

What does this mean for you? If you're a divorced man, you're carrying two heavy burdens. First, you're dealing with your own divorce and trying to rebuild. Second, you're potentially setting up your own children to struggle in their future relationships—unless you break the cycle.

Your Reality Check

Let me tell you something I learned during my own dark period. After my divorce, when I was bouncing from place to place with everything I owned packed in my car, I had a moment of brutal honesty.

I realized I had absorbed lessons about manhood and relationships from my grandfather Weston Benjamin Berlack, not from my biological father who was killed in Vietnam before he got the chance to meet me. Grandpa taught me what it meant to be a Berlack. He showed me dignity, pride, and how a man carries himself. But even with that solid foundation, I still found myself in a marriage that didn't last.

Why? Because I had patterns I didn't even know I was carrying. Beliefs about what men do and don't do in relationships. Ideas about how much of myself to actually give. Assumptions about what women really need from men.

Here's what researchers at the Institute for Family Studies discovered: fathers being involved and couples keeping conflict under control matters enormously. Few adults have good relations with their fathers if the parents fought constantly, whether or not they're still together. But a high proportion of adults get on well with their fathers if they stayed married and didn't create a war zone at home.

The quality of your father's presence matters more than just his physical presence. A study examining father involvement found that sons who had fathers with higher warmth and involvement during childhood showed significantly better outcomes in their own romantic relationships as adults. The statistical effects of father warmth were independent from whether the father was present or absent, and independent from mother's warmth and involvement.

Breaking the Cycle

Research published by psychologist Jessica Salvatore suggests that therapists working with distressed couples should consider targeting basic personality traits that are genetically linked to divorce—traits like high levels of negative emotionality and low levels of constraint. People who are highly neurotic, for example, tend to perceive their partners as behaving more negatively than independent observers would rate them.

But genetics aren't destiny. The Institute for Family Studies reported on research showing that adults whose parents divorced can overcome the intergenerational transmission through what researcher D. Scott Sibley calls "resilient commitment." All 30 participants in his study indicated that negative examples of commitment they observed from parents, siblings, friends, and extended family members taught them what not to do in relationships. They said the negative examples were empowering as they made the transition to marriage.

Here's what you need to understand: whether your father was present or absent, warm or distant, divorced or married, he shaped your template for relationships. And if that template is broken, you can rebuild it. You can choose to be different.

The Real Work

If your father wasn't there for you—either physically or emotionally—you learned something about what men do in relationships. You might have learned that men leave. That men don't stick around when things get hard. That men don't need to invest deeply. That showing up is optional.

If your father was there but distant, you might have learned that men provide financially but not emotionally. That feelings are weakness. That vulnerability is dangerous. That real men stay quiet and strong, no matter what's happening inside.

If your father was there but your parents fought constantly, you might have learned that conflict is normal. That relationships are battlegrounds. That love comes with chaos. That peace is temporary at best.

And if your father was warm, involved, and committed, you learned that men can be trusted to stay. That relationships can be safe. That investment pays off. That showing up emotionally doesn't diminish masculinity.

Whatever you learned, you carried it into your marriage. And if you're divorced now, you're carrying it into your relationship with your own children.

A comprehensive review of research on father involvement shows that fathers who lack romantic ties to their children's mothers are at particular risk of having poor relationships with their children. But here's the thing: having a father physically present doesn't automatically lead to favorable outcomes if that father isn't involved in positive ways. Children need more than just a father's physical presence.

Research from the National Survey of Families and Households examining the impact of divorce on father-child relationship quality found that divorce has a pronounced negative effect on the frequency of men's contacts with their adult offspring, significantly reduces the likelihood that men have an adult child in their household, and sharply reduces the probability that fathers consider their adult children as potential sources of support in times of need.

But the same research shows that fathers who maintain involvement, who show warmth, who stay engaged even through the difficulty of divorce, can maintain strong relationships with their children. The path is harder, but it's possible.

What This Means for You Today

You're reading this because you're divorced or going through one. Maybe you're struggling to maintain your relationship with your kids. Maybe you're wondering why you couldn't make your marriage work. Maybe you're terrified that your children will repeat your mistakes.

Good. That fear means you care. That awareness means you can change the trajectory.

The research on intergenerational transmission of union dissolution shows that while parental separation significantly impacts children's likelihood of experiencing multiple partnership dissolutions in adulthood, early life mediators can interrupt these patterns. You can be the circuit breaker.

According to studies examining three generations of family members, relationship quality is transmitted across generations through multiple mechanisms: social learning, emotional stability, and parents as role models. Children develop interpersonal skills and values from observing parental models. They learn from divorced parents that dissatisfying marriages can be voluntarily ended. Growing up in a divorced family may deprive children of role models for relationship skills and reduce their marital commitment.

But you can flip this script. You can model something different for your children. You can show them that men stay engaged even when it's hard. That fathers keep showing up. That divorce doesn't mean disappearing. That warmth and involvement matter more than perfection.

Research examining father involvement across generations found that fathers' age, race/ethnicity, education, and household income all play roles, but the quality of a father's relationship with his own father during childhood was one of the strongest predictors of how involved he would be with his own children.

You can't change what your father did or didn't do. But you can change what you're doing right now.

The Legacy You're Building

When researchers study divorced men and their health outcomes, they find that fathers who maintain involvement with their children, who have social support, and who hold strong father identity show better mental and physical health outcomes. The men who stay connected do better across every measure.

A longitudinal study examining father involvement's long-term effects found that the quantity of father involvement in childhood significantly affected sons' physiological stress regulation systems even into their late 30s. Father involvement in childhood also reduced sons' illicit drug and tobacco use across their 20s. Greater father involvement predicted reduced risk for the onset of delinquent behaviors and substance use in adolescents.

Your involvement matters. The warmth you show your children matters. The consistency of your presence matters. Every call you make, every visit you show up for, every moment you stay engaged—it's all building something in your children that will affect them for decades.

And here's something else: it's building something in you too. Research shows that divorced fathers who maintain strong connections with their children report better outcomes across mental health, physical health, and overall life satisfaction.

Your children are watching what you do. They're learning from your example. They're building their understanding of what men do based on what they see you doing.

The Choice You Make Today

Your father shaped you. Your divorce shaped you. The question is: what are you going to shape with what you've been given?

The intergenerational transmission of divorce stops with men who are willing to do the work. Men who look at the patterns honestly. Men who acknowledge what they learned and consciously choose something different. Men who stay involved with their children even when it's hard. Men who invest in relationships even when they're scared of getting hurt again.

The research is clear: your involvement matters more than you realize. The warmth you show your children will affect them for decades. The consistency of your presence will shape their future relationships. The beliefs you model about male commitment will either perpetuate the cycle or break it.

What will you choose?