You're standing at a crossroads, brother. Divorce didn't just end your marriage—it disrupted every aspect of your life. Maybe you're wondering how to rebuild your relationship with your kids. Maybe you're trying to figure out how to navigate dating again. Maybe you're staring at financial chaos and wondering where to even start.

Here's the truth: wanting change and making change are two different things. And if you're over 40, divorced, and ready to build something better, you need a roadmap that actually works.

The Question That Started Everything

Years ago, someone asked me how to effectively institute change as an individual or as part of organizations. My first thought? "What a complicated question!" Ideas raced through my mind, and I quickly realized I needed a moment to organize them all. So I stepped away from the computer and engaged in another activity—walking the dog, listening to music, cleaning the house. (I do this often when I want to think. Amazing how clear your mind can become during mundane tasks.)

That question forced me to break down something I'd been doing instinctively my entire life. And what I discovered applies directly to where you are right now.

Why Most Change Fails

You've probably tried to change before. New Year's resolutions. Promises to yourself. Plans that looked great on paper but fell apart within weeks.

The problem? Most men approach change as if it's a solo mission. They think they need to have everything figured out before they start. They wait for the perfect moment or the perfect plan.

That waiting will keep you stuck.

The 8 Steps to Real Change

Here's what actually works—whether you're rebuilding your life after divorce, trying to be a better father, or attempting to transform any area of your existence:

Step 1: Kill Your Ego

Get rid of the ego, pompousness, and jealousy. You have to genuinely want everyone around you to shine—your kids, your co-parent, the people in your support network. Being secure enough to lift others while you rise shows real strength.

When I found myself questioning whether or not to ask friends of friends for a place to stay for the night, my ego wanted me to hide, to pretend I had it all together. But real change started when I stopped pretending and started being honest about where I was.

Step 2: Understand That Experience Trumps Credentials

Everyone who's willing to work is qualified to help you—and you're qualified to help others. If I'm looking for a brain surgeon to operate on me, then I want to see degrees and experience. But life is different.

I'm a Fulbright Scholar with a Master's Degree, but the people I've helped most don't care about my credentials. They care that I was born and raised in the South Bronx to a single parent, and I know what it's like to go to bed hungry. I understand what they're going through.

You've lived through divorce. You've survived child support battles, sleepless nights worrying about your kids, and the shame of starting over at an age when you thought you'd have everything figured out. That experience makes you uniquely qualified to both receive and give help. You can't fake the funk.

Step 3: Do Your Research and Become Aware

Before you can make real change, you need to understand the landscape. What resources exist for divorced fathers? What support groups are available? What men in your community have successfully navigated this journey?

When I lost my home and my car was repossessed, I had to research everything—from legal aid to housing assistance to community resources. That research gave me options I didn't know I had.

Step 4: Network, Network, Network

This one's so important I'm listing it three times, just like I did in my original response years ago.

You lost more than your marriage in the divorce. You lost the couples' dinners. The barbecues with other families. The social infrastructure you'd built over years.

So you did what most men do: you retreated.

Here's what I learned the hard way: that mindset will keep you stuck below the rim forever. You need to intentionally build new connections. Join a gym. Attend a support group. Reconnect with old friends. Show up at your kids' school events. Say yes to invitations even when you don't feel like it.

The men who successfully rebuild their lives after divorce are the ones who refuse to isolate.

Step 5: Connect Others to Their Past

Much of meaningful change comes from helping people—including yourself—see who they really are and why they're significant in this world.

Think about your children for a moment. They're going through their own version of chaos right now. One of the most powerful things you can do is help them understand their identity—their heritage, their strengths, their place in the family story.

My grandfather always told me stories about our family history when I was a little boy. He told me about his grandfather, the Prussian Jewish immigrant to Florida, his marriage to my grandmother, a Native American woman. His life as a boy growing up in Harlem in the 1920s and 1930s. These stories gave me the self-awareness and confidence to withstand all the troubles of my life.

Grandpa wasn't just telling me stories about our family. He was telling me who I am.

What stories do your kids need to hear? What do they need to understand about where they come from?

Step 6: Network (Yes, Again)

Your networking must include all aspects of life and career. You need to connect to resources, to other divorced fathers, to financial advisors, to therapists, to dating coaches, to fitness communities—whatever areas of your life need rebuilding.

And here's the key: you need to give as much as you receive. When you help another divorced dad navigate child support, you're not just helping him—you're reinforcing your own understanding and building a genuine support network.

Step 7: Connect to Funding, Politics, and Policy

This might sound abstract, but stay with me. The systems that impact your life—child support calculations, custody laws, healthcare access, employment regulations—these all connect to policy decisions.

You don't need to become a political activist. But you should understand the systems affecting your life. Join advocacy groups if you're passionate about reform. Vote in local elections that affect family court judges. Support legislation that promotes fair treatment of divorced fathers.

Real change sometimes means changing the systems, not just adapting to them.

Step 8: Take Ownership and Self-Correct

This is the hard one, brother. Poor communities must take ownership of their own issues and be willing to self-correct. The same applies to you as an individual.

You cannot wait for your ex-spouse to become reasonable. You cannot wait for the court system to become fair. You cannot wait for your kids to magically understand your perspective. You cannot wait for someone in power to hand you the life you want.

Waiting for others to change so you can have power is naive at best. You have to take ownership of your situation right now—not the situation you wish you had, but the one you're actually in.

When that magistrate told me "That's not our problem" after I explained I couldn't survive on half my take-home pay, I had a choice. I could wait for the system to care about me, or I could take ownership of my circumstances and start building something new.

That ownership led me to create Elevate Your Life, which eventually became The Rebound. My pain became my platform. My struggle became my strength.

What will you do with yours?

The Truth About Making Change

Here's what nobody tells you: making real change after divorce isn't a straight line. Some weeks you'll feel like you're making incredible progress. Other weeks you'll feel like you're right back where you started.

That's normal. That's the journey.

According to research published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit. But that study also found that the range varied from 18 to 254 days depending on the person and the behavior. Translation? Change takes time, and that time varies wildly.

Give yourself permission to be imperfect in this process. The goal isn't perfection—it's progress.

Your Move

You now have a framework for making real change in your life. But frameworks don't do anything sitting on a page. You have to put them into action.

What's the one area of your life that needs the most attention right now? Your relationship with your kids? Your financial situation? Your physical health? Your social isolation?

Pick one. Just one. Then run it through these eight steps and see what changes.

The Bottom Line

Real change doesn't happen because you want it badly enough. It happens because you're willing to do the work—the unglamorous, uncomfortable, daily work of showing up and taking the next right step.

You've already survived the hardest part—the divorce itself. You've already proven you can handle more than you thought possible. Now it's time to channel that survival into something greater: a life you've intentionally built, not one that just happened to you.

The rim isn't just an obstacle. It's your launching pad.

Your move, brother. Who are you going to reach out to today?